Harken
01/11/2010, 04:25 PM
So this is a short story I wrote recently. Constructive criticism is well appreciated.
Warning: Some religious, racial and sexual humor. So try not to be offended at anything said.
It is December 31st 2011 and I am at my girlfriend Sharon's apartment. It was supposed to be a New Year's party but miraculously no one showed up and there is only enough champagne for two. Yeah, I got the green light.
We have been taking things slow, like she asked, and its been a hard month. No pun intended...But here we are on her couch and the smiling idiot on TV is going on and on with the volume just barely audible, we said we would probably turn it up to hear him just before the ball drops. Only its not looking like that right now. Right now we're staring into each others eyes and she is giggling a lot especially considering she hasn't finished one glass. Green Fucking light.
The hair on the right side of her face escapes her ear and just before she even thinks to move it back my hand is already there to once again free her face from her lovely red hair. Five seconds left before the new year and I plant a kiss. Four seconds left and we pause to look into each other's eyes. Three seconds left and its like we were made for each other the way were are entangled. Two seconds left and my hand finds its way inside her shirt. One second left and its like my whole body is on fire I am so excited...
Only its not really sexual excitement because the planet just blew up and I am dead and Sharon is dead and my dog... I hope they really do all go to heaven.
So I am in this really long line now, like six or seven billion long, and its single file. The two guys in front of me are talking to each other, I guess they knew each other. The lucky bastards, I can't spot anyone I know. I sum up that they are or were terrorist which is weird because I don't speak, uh, Arabic or whatever, but I can understand them perfectly. I guess when you die you get to know all the languages, hip hip hooray!
So yeah I am near the end of a seven billion people long line, dead, behind some terrorist looking dudes...who are terrorist, and I am horny as fuck still. I died with an erection like I always thought I would. But its not like I had planned because I am a virgin. Yup, Sharon was to be my first so you can imagine I wasn't too happy about the taking it slow idea but its not like I knew how to speed it up or take it fast...
“Beautiful virgins, bodies like goddesses,” terrorist dude number one said. I was planning to ignore them but the conveniently timed mention of the v word sparked my interest into their conversation.
“But we did not do our job, are you sure we will be blessed?” terrorist dude number two asked.
“Our intent should be rewarded, I believe. It is not our faults some crazy person destroyed the planet.”
Personally I am third year journalism major. I do a lot of writing and most of the side work I do for fun and practice is satirical and I really try to be funny. Sadly I have never written anything as sarcastically funny as this scene. Of course the living me would never interrupt and enter the conversation, but the living me did not speak Islamic...no its Arabic...Persian?
Its definitely not Latin...
“So you guys are like Muslim extremist or whatever,” I interjected. I was hoping they would understand me as I did them.
Terror dude number one got all defense on me, “No, we are warriors of God.”
“We were going to be,” number two said.
“That sucks man, I was going to work for espn.com as a sports analyst or I at least got the internship so there was a chance I could have got a job there for sure.”
“Stupid American,” the first terrorist dude said.
“Do God warriors call people names?” I asked pushing the limits. No point in holding back while dead.
“This man is simply here to test us he is probably an angel or demon in disguise,” number two said.
Now I am a smart guy and I have been to Sunday school so I was pretty confident I was in line to be judged, so I wasn't going to lie and jeopardize my chances. That being said I always interpreted omissions as not being lies, so there is no reason to tell them this is not a test.
“Well, how should a warrior of God conduct himself?” I asked.
“They should destroy the enemies of God. Reward the righteous by punishing the wicked,” terrorist number one said jumping back into the conversation.
Seven billion people is not all that much it turns out, the line was shrinking and time seemed funny. This few seconds of fun and conversation seemed to hold so much movement, so much energy and so much excitement. The old lady who was in line before the two terrorist was listening in and seemingly terrified. Whether it was the shock of dying or the horror of the conversation, she was definitely disturbed. It seemed cruel to continue bringing up death like this in front of her, especially right after the end of the world. It was the definition of 'too soon', but I continued.
“I suppose all westerners and Americans are wicked? Therefore they must all be destroyed without trial,” I questioned.
The second terrorist answered, “The good American is as common as the skinny pig or the honest Jew...”
I had heard this one before so I interrupted, “You have no right to sacrifice or kill the innocent, do you not think the...”
“What, wait? Kill? No, we are not suicide bombers we are cyber terrorist,” the first said.
I had offended them both, clearly I was in the wrong.
“We do not take lives we destroy the social networks that bred American sin. The myspace is a whore's network where the American teenage prostitute broadcasts her... her wares to ensure her future business as the destroyer of morals...” dude number one said.
“I, uh, can't disagree with that,” I interrupted.
Terrorist number two continued, “The Pedophile uses this network to pray and feed his terrible addiction but thats just myspace. The horrors of YouTube are countless. Human beings acting like animals for hits, this imaginary popularity contest that boils down to self destruction of the human body.”
“Self destruction?”
“What percentage of these videos do you suppose are nut shots, and those freaks who use plastic surgery as a tool to look like animals,” number one asked.
“Well I am sure there are a larger number of cat videos.”
“Did you see the one were his head was stuck in the Kleenex box? That was funny,” number two said.
We all had a short chuckle, that cat was golden. Despite all that we found ourselves at the front of the line. I couldn't tell if our little conversation had taken that much time and it sure didn't feel like we physically moved all that much so I knew that time and space had a different meaning in the afterlife. One thing I could certainly ascertain was that heaven was no DMV.
Terrorist dude number one was very eager and anxious to get inside. He said a silent prayer to himself and then Peter arrived or more accurately he appeared. It was sudden but not surprising to us who have seen it many times in line and just as soon as he appeared he disappeared with his latest defendant.
My head was down, the spectacle of the terrorist had kept my mind occupied and I didn't stop to think about myself and what could happen to me. Was it really heaven or hell for all eternity or would it be like a jail sentence? Would I be mistaken with my policy on omissions? Where is Hendrix? Heaven or hell that is where I want to be...
Peter appeared before me, we disappeared together.
“Have a seat,” he said.
I thanked him and then I awkwardly twitched my way into my seat, half afraid that doing so would be my final admission that I am no longer alive. His 'office' was quite similar to any other. Some type of green plant in a pot, a medium sized desk with two chairs in front, a name tag that says St. Peter and a cafe a chino machine. I thought that showed some class and taste, I mean a plain coffee machine is too vanilla for heaven's gate keeper.
He noticed my discomfort, “You need not be so worried. You weren't the first person to die and looking at that line you ain't the last either.”
He laughed at his own joke as I sat looking at him. One wonders how many times he told that joke today...
“So, the line is in order of death... then where is Sharon?” I suddenly realized the implications. “We were right next to each other we should have died at the same time but she was no where near me in the line.”
“You died instantly when the planet was destroyed and she survived a few seconds longer,” Peter answered.
I thought I was near the end of the line but when you consider that the Apocalypse was an planetary explosion then everyone must have died within minutes or seconds so the slightest delay meant millions of places apart in the line. No wonder I didn't see her.
“Can I wait in here for her to come up in line,” I asked.
“No, can't wait for others to be judged. Speaking of which let us take a look at that wrap sheet of yours,” he said.
His eyes took on a slightly pale tone, I guessed he was using his magical heaven powers or whatever. Then he frowned.
“Why did you punch Kelly Pearson in the chest?”
“I was drunk,” I answered flatly.
“You called her a fat whore and punched her in the chest. She had a glandular problem and getting hit in the chest for a female is like getting kicked in the groin.”
“I was really really drunk.”
“You should practice moderation.”
“I'll remember that when I am reincarnated.”
“Hmph,” he smirked. “You know you use a lot of profanities?”
“Yes, but I figured there all sounds really. Like, there a bunch of click languages and tons of varieties of languages so I could go 'Blik blok blokft' and that could be a bad word in one language. So it all just sounds really. As long as I am not purposely mean with the words...right?”
“I guess,” he laughed as he sat back in his chair. “This feel like an interview at all? You seem nervous.”
“A bit.”
“You worried about anything?”
“I masturbated a lot.”
“So?”
“Well... I used porn,”
“Meh, its like possession of marijuana. As long as its within reason it doesn't matter.”
I breathed a sigh a relief.
“Any questions from me? And no I will not tell you where your family ended up, that's something you have to find out for yourself.”
“Sharon?”
“Oh come on!”
“Okay, okay. Um... do I get in?” I asked.
“Sure, welcome to heaven.”
“Uh, one last question are there like landmarks and stuff and like celebrities and stuff. Any cool people?”
“Besides the creator of all things? And stuff.”
“Yeah,” I said realizing how giddy I must sound, “but no, more like Tupac.”
“Just listen kid, your guardian angel will meet with you soon to go over the rules but with the influx of death it could be awhile before you see him or her. Its not like there is angel for every person, thats a waste of resources.”
“Of course...all that angel dust you need to make them,”
“You'll be a riot kid, people will love you.”
“Uh, another question,” I said changing the topic without any tact, “Didn't you guys now the world was going to end? I thought the Mayans predicted it.”
“Well to be perfectly honest we thought we had a few more months, their predictions were slightly off.”
We both sat for what felt like two or three seconds of silence contemplating the end of man kind. Peter suddenly stood up and a door appeared. It said heaven on the banister of the door, not very subtle either. I stood and slowly worked my way towards it and then stopped suddenly to point at it. Peter nodded his head.
I walked in and it was...well heavenly. Topless men and women, sand everywhere and stairway to heaven playing in the background. Which at first seemed a little cliché but it somehow worked for me.
There was laughing, giggling and there was joy. I saw no children, no elderly or sick. I saw the most glorious of images everywhere I looked and I felt myself change. I lost a few pounds of fat and put on a few of muscle.
And despite it all, the glory and amazement, I couldn't help but think of the big fat 'I told you so' that my mom had in store when I would finally get to meet her.
I knew masturbation wasn't a sin.
“One second left and its like my whole body is on fire I am so excited...”
“But only its not you're excited, the world blew up,” the bartender interrupted.
“Yeah, well, I was going to be a little more dramatic but thats about right. How you die?” I asked as nonchalantly as I could.
I really hate asking, a whole lot. Its like the first year of College and you don't know anyone so its all 'Whats your major' and 'Oh yeah, with Professor Blah Blah' and then you pretend to be friends. Sometimes you do become friends though most of the time you don't, they're just people you drink with. Everyone I have talked too since being dead has asked me the same question just in a slightly different way.
“Heart attack, I know I don't look it now but I was an unhealthy guy when I lived, it was about fifteen years ago,” he answered. “Sex with the wife actually, I was 65 so it happens I guess, she passed two years later it was quite the reunion...”
“Speaking of...can we like have sex? Not me and you, but like up here.”
“Yeah of course, its fucking heaven!”
“We can use bad words?” I whispered.
“Do whatever the fuck you want kid, you earned it. That's kinda the point.”
“Then I should find Sharon, we didn't enter together... she was so kind. I am sure she ended up here.”
“Kid, you're little fun time that was ended with the Apocalypse. That wasn't your first little fun time with a girl was it? There are tons of women up here and you only knew her for a month you can find women here easy...”
No harm in answering. He made it into heaven, he is a good guy. Its not like he would make fun of me nor like its the first time it ever happened to anyone who has died...
“You fucking kidding me!” he burst. “How old are you?”
“Twenty-two.”
“Ugh,” he sighed. “Uh... don't let it get to you. I mean a few more minutes...seconds and you would have been a man and uh... its the thought that counts...”
He is pretty nervous trying not to offend me, despite his initial chuckle when I let him know I was a virgin. He thought I was kidding and now he sees the look on my face and his tone has changed a bit. So here I am trying to console him best I can.
“Don't worry about it guy,” his name kind of escaped me. “I mean you said it, we can sin all we want now that we are in,”
“Well, thats not what I said...”
“I can fuck some 10 year old boy and pop my cherry that way,” I foolishly interrupted.
“What?!?”
“I can... I am just joking man.”
“I get it now. You're a sexual deviant thats why no girl ever let you touch them. Ever time you got close they found out about you're sick perversions...”
“No no no wait dude,” I tried to interrupt.
“No you wait, you're lucky I don't call the Angels and you're lucky that you're a damned coward and every girl you were ever with denied you your sick fantasies because up here we don't like freaks like you. God, is Peter too tired to operate properly and check everyone at the gate...”
I left him to ramble to himself.
Despite being the best bar I have every entered, I mean I am in heaven, I had a pretty shitty time there. I have only been in heaven for what felt like a few hours and naturally I hit a bar for info and to see if tequila is as popular up here as it was on Earth for me and my friends.
Its really kind of crazy. On Earth any neighborhood with this many bars and liquor stores would be considered a bad place to live. I mean that street that I bought weed from had less people passed out drunk on the street. I am guessing hangovers are less severe here. Also its really weird but the bartender didn't take any money from me, I mean I don't suppose there is heaven dollars or whatever but why would he work for free. Is heaven run by extreme communist? Reagan would be pissed but its pretty sweet so far, though I got to find my guardian angel at some point to find out the proper rules. So far I am liking this heaven place.
I did sort of find out some useful information. Angels work as police officers and other public service jobs and its very possible to meet your love ones and have sex. So thats a big plus.
I make my way down the street and I think I am finally starting to get used to the sand beneath my feet. I say the word street but its kinda like a beach because the pavement is not pavement at all but water. I see people walking on it to cross the street, uh canal, their feet not even getting wet enough to cake sand against their bare feet. However, most people are on vehicles. I see speed boats, mini yachts, wave runners, jet skies and surfboards that just magically guide through the water.
Its all too distracting for me because I run into this women. After stumbling out an apology I notice she is a nun and quite the nun! Everyone here is so damn attractive.
“Watch where the fuck you are going,” she spews in what sounds like French.
After closer inspection of her other features besides her breast I notice she is somewhat old fashioned in appearance. It sort of hits me that she could be hundreds or thousands of years old, and French. Then it hit me she told me to fuck off.
“Excuse me,” I asked. “I said I was sorry.”
“I am sorry too,” she blurted out as she pushed me out of the way. She began to make her way down the street. I figured she is a nun so she is like required to answer my questions. So I made chase.
“Wait I second I have a few questions,” I said.
“When I said I was sorry I wasn't apologizing to you ass. So leave me.”
“Wait, whats wrong this is the happiest place on Earth. How can you be so upset?” How soon I had forgotten she had probably died hundreds of years ago. Not only did she not get the Disney Land reference but I think it offended her...
“What the hell is wrong with you,” she said. Clearly it did offend her. “Thats the problem with all of you, all of you! Its like a flood of vermin entering God's palace. I served faithfully the lord for years not taking pleasure and letting no man take me and I see societies deteriorate into degenerate cesspools and yet still so many make it into heaven. I deprived myself. Tell me, how many young American girls did you deflower before the world ended.”
“Uh, zero,” I said making sure only she heard me on the beach.
“More of that 'modern' humor. All of you new arrivals make me sick,” she stormed off angrily in search of whatever heavenly sanctuary that she originally looked for in hopes of quiting the anger in her.
I stood there.
I mean she could certainly have sex now if she wanted or was it different. Would it be like mental soul sex and without physical interaction. I wanted the nasty kind that I saw so often in videos with the sweat, grunting and heavy breathing, the real deal. I hope I don't end up like her in a century or two.
It was no more than a couple of seconds before someone came running in my direction.
Now I know there are a bunch of different religious views and within each view differences arrive in interpretation of religious things. I wouldn't dare say that what I grew up knowing is right and what others think is wrong but... but this is different. No one seems to have got it right because no where I have seen in any religious art or text any mention of an angel with such retardly small wings. I am talking about a six feet tall humanoid with, I shit you not, the wings of a pigeon. The image immediately shook me out of my funk and I couldn't help but laugh.
Then I noticed that the figure wasn't running in my direction but in fact straight to me. Of course my guardian angel has puny ass wings.
“James,” he said as he reached me, thats my name by the way. It wont come up again, I don't think. How weird would this sound it I wrote 'Then James told the bartender how he died' I just don't like writing about myself in that way. I am I, not James.
“Yeah,” James said. (See how fucking weird that is).
“Glad I could finally find you, the system is so horrible. Everyone spawns randomly across the heavens. It is to ensure that no war or act of violence on Earth doesn't immediately flood one area of heaven but it just makes it hard for us angels to find you guys. I mean I do not question it, besides after today the system doesn't really exist anymore.”
“Yeah us humans are extinct now,” I added.
“Does that bother you?” my guardian angel asked.
“No, not much. I mean there is an afterlife so its okay, I guess.”
“Just stay positive, this is a good place to be,” he smiled and for the first time I forgot about his shitty wings.
“Yeah, uh, so you are supposed to show me the ropes,” I asked.
“Yup, I answer questions and help you find a place. I am like a social worker or parole officer in that I will be watching you a bit. Also I am supposed to give you this pamphlet.”
The typeface was a little too cute for my taste and the pink paper made me want to vomit. I opened it up and slightly glanced over the words on the pages. I looked up briefly at the angel who was looking at me and boy did he have the queerest smile on his face, I guess he enjoyed this part of his job at least. Thumbing through it I saw some no brainer stuff; be nice to others, no littering, and try to help people who need help. There was a lot of reading to get done and I began to wonder if the kind angel would wait for me to finish the whole thing.
“Uh, I'll read this all soon enough but are there any major things I should know about? Like special heaven commandments or something.”
“You should read it all now, then ask questions,” I guess I was to read it all. The smile on his face was now a scowl and all I could read from it when I occasionally glanced up was contempt. I tried to make small talk and lighten the situation and asked him his name, “It is Jae'klkin, now finish reading.”
I don't remember that name in the bible, I think I would have.
Like I have mentioned before time is funny, so don't ask how long it took but I finished the damn thing. He called it a pamphlet but it was a fucking manual or rule book, I would have to re-read it later to get the full gist of it. Oh, and of course I get to the end and I see the author's name, Jae'klkin.
“Questions?” he eagerly asked once again brandishing his smile from before.
“Not really, not at the moment. At least not about the rules...”
“What did you think about the writing?” he interrupted.
“What do you mean?” I questioned.
“Was it... entertaining?” he curiously asked emphasizing every syllable in entertaining.
Remembering his name at the end of the book I tried to be tactful, “It was not, uh, bad.”
“Good, I have made several changes since the last time I have greeted a writer and I was afraid it did not speak with any 'flavor' as the last writer would call it.”
“You were trying to add flavor?” I was really puzzled but I had no idea how badly the question would offend his senses.
“Sorry but it is not easy for me. Angels are not born with what you humans have in regards to creativity and I wanted to make it work in help introducing people to the afterlife,” he sighed. “I have been working on the pamphlet since 4000 b.c.”
“So thats why its so long,” I dryly added. Mistake by me.
Angels lack sense of humor as well as creativity because Jae'klkin let out a screech much akin to the that of the dying love child of a crow and a washing machine, then he flew away. Every dead Tom, Dick and Harry on the surrounding beaches all stared in my direction with a look that sent shivers down my spine. I expected Zeus himself to strike me down with a thunder bolt, then I thought that a bit sacrilegious so I just started walking in a random direction to get the hell out of there. Oh, um, pun not intended... I don't know if that counts as a pun though...
Then I remembered something I read. All I had to do was whisper my guardian angel's name and he would appear to assist me in whatever task I needed, if within reason the pamphlet said. A line I am sure he added for his own benefit.
Jae'klkin appeared. “What is it you cur?”
“What is a cur?”
“It is like a mutt, a human half breed. Did I out literary you human writer?” he taunted.
“You sure did,” I answered doing my best not to burst into tears.
“Is that all you wanted to know?” he asked anxiously ready to take off again.
“No, of course not. How would I find out about people that have died before or after me? How could I find out where my family and friends are and if they are in hell can I ever see them again?”
“Congical visits are allowed.”
“Uh, I don't want to have sex with them. How do I find them though?”
“Public hall, it records the whereabouts of everyone. Also one of the finder angels there can help you locate your loved ones. Though I imagine it would be fairly busy right about now.”
“Thank you Jae'klkin,” I smiled and tried to be as warm as possible. “Also I would like to add that I did enjoy your pamphlet it was more than just informational.”
Again he screeched and flew off. I shrugged helplessly not sure what I did wrong in complimenting him. A man to my right walked up to me and placed his hand on my shoulder. Apparently he overheard the whole conversation, he told me angels can tell if humans are lying or telling the truth. Then he pointed me in the general direction of the Public hall.
One full day in heaven and all I have learned is that everyone is a fucking drama queen.
I will post the rest soon.
Warning: Some religious, racial and sexual humor. So try not to be offended at anything said.
It is December 31st 2011 and I am at my girlfriend Sharon's apartment. It was supposed to be a New Year's party but miraculously no one showed up and there is only enough champagne for two. Yeah, I got the green light.
We have been taking things slow, like she asked, and its been a hard month. No pun intended...But here we are on her couch and the smiling idiot on TV is going on and on with the volume just barely audible, we said we would probably turn it up to hear him just before the ball drops. Only its not looking like that right now. Right now we're staring into each others eyes and she is giggling a lot especially considering she hasn't finished one glass. Green Fucking light.
The hair on the right side of her face escapes her ear and just before she even thinks to move it back my hand is already there to once again free her face from her lovely red hair. Five seconds left before the new year and I plant a kiss. Four seconds left and we pause to look into each other's eyes. Three seconds left and its like we were made for each other the way were are entangled. Two seconds left and my hand finds its way inside her shirt. One second left and its like my whole body is on fire I am so excited...
Only its not really sexual excitement because the planet just blew up and I am dead and Sharon is dead and my dog... I hope they really do all go to heaven.
So I am in this really long line now, like six or seven billion long, and its single file. The two guys in front of me are talking to each other, I guess they knew each other. The lucky bastards, I can't spot anyone I know. I sum up that they are or were terrorist which is weird because I don't speak, uh, Arabic or whatever, but I can understand them perfectly. I guess when you die you get to know all the languages, hip hip hooray!
So yeah I am near the end of a seven billion people long line, dead, behind some terrorist looking dudes...who are terrorist, and I am horny as fuck still. I died with an erection like I always thought I would. But its not like I had planned because I am a virgin. Yup, Sharon was to be my first so you can imagine I wasn't too happy about the taking it slow idea but its not like I knew how to speed it up or take it fast...
“Beautiful virgins, bodies like goddesses,” terrorist dude number one said. I was planning to ignore them but the conveniently timed mention of the v word sparked my interest into their conversation.
“But we did not do our job, are you sure we will be blessed?” terrorist dude number two asked.
“Our intent should be rewarded, I believe. It is not our faults some crazy person destroyed the planet.”
Personally I am third year journalism major. I do a lot of writing and most of the side work I do for fun and practice is satirical and I really try to be funny. Sadly I have never written anything as sarcastically funny as this scene. Of course the living me would never interrupt and enter the conversation, but the living me did not speak Islamic...no its Arabic...Persian?
Its definitely not Latin...
“So you guys are like Muslim extremist or whatever,” I interjected. I was hoping they would understand me as I did them.
Terror dude number one got all defense on me, “No, we are warriors of God.”
“We were going to be,” number two said.
“That sucks man, I was going to work for espn.com as a sports analyst or I at least got the internship so there was a chance I could have got a job there for sure.”
“Stupid American,” the first terrorist dude said.
“Do God warriors call people names?” I asked pushing the limits. No point in holding back while dead.
“This man is simply here to test us he is probably an angel or demon in disguise,” number two said.
Now I am a smart guy and I have been to Sunday school so I was pretty confident I was in line to be judged, so I wasn't going to lie and jeopardize my chances. That being said I always interpreted omissions as not being lies, so there is no reason to tell them this is not a test.
“Well, how should a warrior of God conduct himself?” I asked.
“They should destroy the enemies of God. Reward the righteous by punishing the wicked,” terrorist number one said jumping back into the conversation.
Seven billion people is not all that much it turns out, the line was shrinking and time seemed funny. This few seconds of fun and conversation seemed to hold so much movement, so much energy and so much excitement. The old lady who was in line before the two terrorist was listening in and seemingly terrified. Whether it was the shock of dying or the horror of the conversation, she was definitely disturbed. It seemed cruel to continue bringing up death like this in front of her, especially right after the end of the world. It was the definition of 'too soon', but I continued.
“I suppose all westerners and Americans are wicked? Therefore they must all be destroyed without trial,” I questioned.
The second terrorist answered, “The good American is as common as the skinny pig or the honest Jew...”
I had heard this one before so I interrupted, “You have no right to sacrifice or kill the innocent, do you not think the...”
“What, wait? Kill? No, we are not suicide bombers we are cyber terrorist,” the first said.
I had offended them both, clearly I was in the wrong.
“We do not take lives we destroy the social networks that bred American sin. The myspace is a whore's network where the American teenage prostitute broadcasts her... her wares to ensure her future business as the destroyer of morals...” dude number one said.
“I, uh, can't disagree with that,” I interrupted.
Terrorist number two continued, “The Pedophile uses this network to pray and feed his terrible addiction but thats just myspace. The horrors of YouTube are countless. Human beings acting like animals for hits, this imaginary popularity contest that boils down to self destruction of the human body.”
“Self destruction?”
“What percentage of these videos do you suppose are nut shots, and those freaks who use plastic surgery as a tool to look like animals,” number one asked.
“Well I am sure there are a larger number of cat videos.”
“Did you see the one were his head was stuck in the Kleenex box? That was funny,” number two said.
We all had a short chuckle, that cat was golden. Despite all that we found ourselves at the front of the line. I couldn't tell if our little conversation had taken that much time and it sure didn't feel like we physically moved all that much so I knew that time and space had a different meaning in the afterlife. One thing I could certainly ascertain was that heaven was no DMV.
Terrorist dude number one was very eager and anxious to get inside. He said a silent prayer to himself and then Peter arrived or more accurately he appeared. It was sudden but not surprising to us who have seen it many times in line and just as soon as he appeared he disappeared with his latest defendant.
My head was down, the spectacle of the terrorist had kept my mind occupied and I didn't stop to think about myself and what could happen to me. Was it really heaven or hell for all eternity or would it be like a jail sentence? Would I be mistaken with my policy on omissions? Where is Hendrix? Heaven or hell that is where I want to be...
Peter appeared before me, we disappeared together.
“Have a seat,” he said.
I thanked him and then I awkwardly twitched my way into my seat, half afraid that doing so would be my final admission that I am no longer alive. His 'office' was quite similar to any other. Some type of green plant in a pot, a medium sized desk with two chairs in front, a name tag that says St. Peter and a cafe a chino machine. I thought that showed some class and taste, I mean a plain coffee machine is too vanilla for heaven's gate keeper.
He noticed my discomfort, “You need not be so worried. You weren't the first person to die and looking at that line you ain't the last either.”
He laughed at his own joke as I sat looking at him. One wonders how many times he told that joke today...
“So, the line is in order of death... then where is Sharon?” I suddenly realized the implications. “We were right next to each other we should have died at the same time but she was no where near me in the line.”
“You died instantly when the planet was destroyed and she survived a few seconds longer,” Peter answered.
I thought I was near the end of the line but when you consider that the Apocalypse was an planetary explosion then everyone must have died within minutes or seconds so the slightest delay meant millions of places apart in the line. No wonder I didn't see her.
“Can I wait in here for her to come up in line,” I asked.
“No, can't wait for others to be judged. Speaking of which let us take a look at that wrap sheet of yours,” he said.
His eyes took on a slightly pale tone, I guessed he was using his magical heaven powers or whatever. Then he frowned.
“Why did you punch Kelly Pearson in the chest?”
“I was drunk,” I answered flatly.
“You called her a fat whore and punched her in the chest. She had a glandular problem and getting hit in the chest for a female is like getting kicked in the groin.”
“I was really really drunk.”
“You should practice moderation.”
“I'll remember that when I am reincarnated.”
“Hmph,” he smirked. “You know you use a lot of profanities?”
“Yes, but I figured there all sounds really. Like, there a bunch of click languages and tons of varieties of languages so I could go 'Blik blok blokft' and that could be a bad word in one language. So it all just sounds really. As long as I am not purposely mean with the words...right?”
“I guess,” he laughed as he sat back in his chair. “This feel like an interview at all? You seem nervous.”
“A bit.”
“You worried about anything?”
“I masturbated a lot.”
“So?”
“Well... I used porn,”
“Meh, its like possession of marijuana. As long as its within reason it doesn't matter.”
I breathed a sigh a relief.
“Any questions from me? And no I will not tell you where your family ended up, that's something you have to find out for yourself.”
“Sharon?”
“Oh come on!”
“Okay, okay. Um... do I get in?” I asked.
“Sure, welcome to heaven.”
“Uh, one last question are there like landmarks and stuff and like celebrities and stuff. Any cool people?”
“Besides the creator of all things? And stuff.”
“Yeah,” I said realizing how giddy I must sound, “but no, more like Tupac.”
“Just listen kid, your guardian angel will meet with you soon to go over the rules but with the influx of death it could be awhile before you see him or her. Its not like there is angel for every person, thats a waste of resources.”
“Of course...all that angel dust you need to make them,”
“You'll be a riot kid, people will love you.”
“Uh, another question,” I said changing the topic without any tact, “Didn't you guys now the world was going to end? I thought the Mayans predicted it.”
“Well to be perfectly honest we thought we had a few more months, their predictions were slightly off.”
We both sat for what felt like two or three seconds of silence contemplating the end of man kind. Peter suddenly stood up and a door appeared. It said heaven on the banister of the door, not very subtle either. I stood and slowly worked my way towards it and then stopped suddenly to point at it. Peter nodded his head.
I walked in and it was...well heavenly. Topless men and women, sand everywhere and stairway to heaven playing in the background. Which at first seemed a little cliché but it somehow worked for me.
There was laughing, giggling and there was joy. I saw no children, no elderly or sick. I saw the most glorious of images everywhere I looked and I felt myself change. I lost a few pounds of fat and put on a few of muscle.
And despite it all, the glory and amazement, I couldn't help but think of the big fat 'I told you so' that my mom had in store when I would finally get to meet her.
I knew masturbation wasn't a sin.
“One second left and its like my whole body is on fire I am so excited...”
“But only its not you're excited, the world blew up,” the bartender interrupted.
“Yeah, well, I was going to be a little more dramatic but thats about right. How you die?” I asked as nonchalantly as I could.
I really hate asking, a whole lot. Its like the first year of College and you don't know anyone so its all 'Whats your major' and 'Oh yeah, with Professor Blah Blah' and then you pretend to be friends. Sometimes you do become friends though most of the time you don't, they're just people you drink with. Everyone I have talked too since being dead has asked me the same question just in a slightly different way.
“Heart attack, I know I don't look it now but I was an unhealthy guy when I lived, it was about fifteen years ago,” he answered. “Sex with the wife actually, I was 65 so it happens I guess, she passed two years later it was quite the reunion...”
“Speaking of...can we like have sex? Not me and you, but like up here.”
“Yeah of course, its fucking heaven!”
“We can use bad words?” I whispered.
“Do whatever the fuck you want kid, you earned it. That's kinda the point.”
“Then I should find Sharon, we didn't enter together... she was so kind. I am sure she ended up here.”
“Kid, you're little fun time that was ended with the Apocalypse. That wasn't your first little fun time with a girl was it? There are tons of women up here and you only knew her for a month you can find women here easy...”
No harm in answering. He made it into heaven, he is a good guy. Its not like he would make fun of me nor like its the first time it ever happened to anyone who has died...
“You fucking kidding me!” he burst. “How old are you?”
“Twenty-two.”
“Ugh,” he sighed. “Uh... don't let it get to you. I mean a few more minutes...seconds and you would have been a man and uh... its the thought that counts...”
He is pretty nervous trying not to offend me, despite his initial chuckle when I let him know I was a virgin. He thought I was kidding and now he sees the look on my face and his tone has changed a bit. So here I am trying to console him best I can.
“Don't worry about it guy,” his name kind of escaped me. “I mean you said it, we can sin all we want now that we are in,”
“Well, thats not what I said...”
“I can fuck some 10 year old boy and pop my cherry that way,” I foolishly interrupted.
“What?!?”
“I can... I am just joking man.”
“I get it now. You're a sexual deviant thats why no girl ever let you touch them. Ever time you got close they found out about you're sick perversions...”
“No no no wait dude,” I tried to interrupt.
“No you wait, you're lucky I don't call the Angels and you're lucky that you're a damned coward and every girl you were ever with denied you your sick fantasies because up here we don't like freaks like you. God, is Peter too tired to operate properly and check everyone at the gate...”
I left him to ramble to himself.
Despite being the best bar I have every entered, I mean I am in heaven, I had a pretty shitty time there. I have only been in heaven for what felt like a few hours and naturally I hit a bar for info and to see if tequila is as popular up here as it was on Earth for me and my friends.
Its really kind of crazy. On Earth any neighborhood with this many bars and liquor stores would be considered a bad place to live. I mean that street that I bought weed from had less people passed out drunk on the street. I am guessing hangovers are less severe here. Also its really weird but the bartender didn't take any money from me, I mean I don't suppose there is heaven dollars or whatever but why would he work for free. Is heaven run by extreme communist? Reagan would be pissed but its pretty sweet so far, though I got to find my guardian angel at some point to find out the proper rules. So far I am liking this heaven place.
I did sort of find out some useful information. Angels work as police officers and other public service jobs and its very possible to meet your love ones and have sex. So thats a big plus.
I make my way down the street and I think I am finally starting to get used to the sand beneath my feet. I say the word street but its kinda like a beach because the pavement is not pavement at all but water. I see people walking on it to cross the street, uh canal, their feet not even getting wet enough to cake sand against their bare feet. However, most people are on vehicles. I see speed boats, mini yachts, wave runners, jet skies and surfboards that just magically guide through the water.
Its all too distracting for me because I run into this women. After stumbling out an apology I notice she is a nun and quite the nun! Everyone here is so damn attractive.
“Watch where the fuck you are going,” she spews in what sounds like French.
After closer inspection of her other features besides her breast I notice she is somewhat old fashioned in appearance. It sort of hits me that she could be hundreds or thousands of years old, and French. Then it hit me she told me to fuck off.
“Excuse me,” I asked. “I said I was sorry.”
“I am sorry too,” she blurted out as she pushed me out of the way. She began to make her way down the street. I figured she is a nun so she is like required to answer my questions. So I made chase.
“Wait I second I have a few questions,” I said.
“When I said I was sorry I wasn't apologizing to you ass. So leave me.”
“Wait, whats wrong this is the happiest place on Earth. How can you be so upset?” How soon I had forgotten she had probably died hundreds of years ago. Not only did she not get the Disney Land reference but I think it offended her...
“What the hell is wrong with you,” she said. Clearly it did offend her. “Thats the problem with all of you, all of you! Its like a flood of vermin entering God's palace. I served faithfully the lord for years not taking pleasure and letting no man take me and I see societies deteriorate into degenerate cesspools and yet still so many make it into heaven. I deprived myself. Tell me, how many young American girls did you deflower before the world ended.”
“Uh, zero,” I said making sure only she heard me on the beach.
“More of that 'modern' humor. All of you new arrivals make me sick,” she stormed off angrily in search of whatever heavenly sanctuary that she originally looked for in hopes of quiting the anger in her.
I stood there.
I mean she could certainly have sex now if she wanted or was it different. Would it be like mental soul sex and without physical interaction. I wanted the nasty kind that I saw so often in videos with the sweat, grunting and heavy breathing, the real deal. I hope I don't end up like her in a century or two.
It was no more than a couple of seconds before someone came running in my direction.
Now I know there are a bunch of different religious views and within each view differences arrive in interpretation of religious things. I wouldn't dare say that what I grew up knowing is right and what others think is wrong but... but this is different. No one seems to have got it right because no where I have seen in any religious art or text any mention of an angel with such retardly small wings. I am talking about a six feet tall humanoid with, I shit you not, the wings of a pigeon. The image immediately shook me out of my funk and I couldn't help but laugh.
Then I noticed that the figure wasn't running in my direction but in fact straight to me. Of course my guardian angel has puny ass wings.
“James,” he said as he reached me, thats my name by the way. It wont come up again, I don't think. How weird would this sound it I wrote 'Then James told the bartender how he died' I just don't like writing about myself in that way. I am I, not James.
“Yeah,” James said. (See how fucking weird that is).
“Glad I could finally find you, the system is so horrible. Everyone spawns randomly across the heavens. It is to ensure that no war or act of violence on Earth doesn't immediately flood one area of heaven but it just makes it hard for us angels to find you guys. I mean I do not question it, besides after today the system doesn't really exist anymore.”
“Yeah us humans are extinct now,” I added.
“Does that bother you?” my guardian angel asked.
“No, not much. I mean there is an afterlife so its okay, I guess.”
“Just stay positive, this is a good place to be,” he smiled and for the first time I forgot about his shitty wings.
“Yeah, uh, so you are supposed to show me the ropes,” I asked.
“Yup, I answer questions and help you find a place. I am like a social worker or parole officer in that I will be watching you a bit. Also I am supposed to give you this pamphlet.”
The typeface was a little too cute for my taste and the pink paper made me want to vomit. I opened it up and slightly glanced over the words on the pages. I looked up briefly at the angel who was looking at me and boy did he have the queerest smile on his face, I guess he enjoyed this part of his job at least. Thumbing through it I saw some no brainer stuff; be nice to others, no littering, and try to help people who need help. There was a lot of reading to get done and I began to wonder if the kind angel would wait for me to finish the whole thing.
“Uh, I'll read this all soon enough but are there any major things I should know about? Like special heaven commandments or something.”
“You should read it all now, then ask questions,” I guess I was to read it all. The smile on his face was now a scowl and all I could read from it when I occasionally glanced up was contempt. I tried to make small talk and lighten the situation and asked him his name, “It is Jae'klkin, now finish reading.”
I don't remember that name in the bible, I think I would have.
Like I have mentioned before time is funny, so don't ask how long it took but I finished the damn thing. He called it a pamphlet but it was a fucking manual or rule book, I would have to re-read it later to get the full gist of it. Oh, and of course I get to the end and I see the author's name, Jae'klkin.
“Questions?” he eagerly asked once again brandishing his smile from before.
“Not really, not at the moment. At least not about the rules...”
“What did you think about the writing?” he interrupted.
“What do you mean?” I questioned.
“Was it... entertaining?” he curiously asked emphasizing every syllable in entertaining.
Remembering his name at the end of the book I tried to be tactful, “It was not, uh, bad.”
“Good, I have made several changes since the last time I have greeted a writer and I was afraid it did not speak with any 'flavor' as the last writer would call it.”
“You were trying to add flavor?” I was really puzzled but I had no idea how badly the question would offend his senses.
“Sorry but it is not easy for me. Angels are not born with what you humans have in regards to creativity and I wanted to make it work in help introducing people to the afterlife,” he sighed. “I have been working on the pamphlet since 4000 b.c.”
“So thats why its so long,” I dryly added. Mistake by me.
Angels lack sense of humor as well as creativity because Jae'klkin let out a screech much akin to the that of the dying love child of a crow and a washing machine, then he flew away. Every dead Tom, Dick and Harry on the surrounding beaches all stared in my direction with a look that sent shivers down my spine. I expected Zeus himself to strike me down with a thunder bolt, then I thought that a bit sacrilegious so I just started walking in a random direction to get the hell out of there. Oh, um, pun not intended... I don't know if that counts as a pun though...
Then I remembered something I read. All I had to do was whisper my guardian angel's name and he would appear to assist me in whatever task I needed, if within reason the pamphlet said. A line I am sure he added for his own benefit.
Jae'klkin appeared. “What is it you cur?”
“What is a cur?”
“It is like a mutt, a human half breed. Did I out literary you human writer?” he taunted.
“You sure did,” I answered doing my best not to burst into tears.
“Is that all you wanted to know?” he asked anxiously ready to take off again.
“No, of course not. How would I find out about people that have died before or after me? How could I find out where my family and friends are and if they are in hell can I ever see them again?”
“Congical visits are allowed.”
“Uh, I don't want to have sex with them. How do I find them though?”
“Public hall, it records the whereabouts of everyone. Also one of the finder angels there can help you locate your loved ones. Though I imagine it would be fairly busy right about now.”
“Thank you Jae'klkin,” I smiled and tried to be as warm as possible. “Also I would like to add that I did enjoy your pamphlet it was more than just informational.”
Again he screeched and flew off. I shrugged helplessly not sure what I did wrong in complimenting him. A man to my right walked up to me and placed his hand on my shoulder. Apparently he overheard the whole conversation, he told me angels can tell if humans are lying or telling the truth. Then he pointed me in the general direction of the Public hall.
One full day in heaven and all I have learned is that everyone is a fucking drama queen.
I will post the rest soon.